I had not realised how deep despair could be, I knew it could exist, but it was wrongly measured. Now I know, one’s upbringing can wreck one badly for years if one does not pay attention, actually, even if one pays attention, the harm is so great that one can do very little against it. No matter the distance and time, the damages are done, and how to fix them, well, I do not know, I have not found the answer yet.